Chewing Sand

Photoshopping Mongolians

2009-06-30T07:19:00.000-07:00

Cycle 4 of Mongolia's Next Top Model (MNTM) is set to take Mongolia, and some other countries around that general area, by storm!

Tyra poses with the six finalists, Kushi, Batukhan,
Naranbaatar, Ghengas, Sukh and Dave

This lesser-known Top Model spin-off sees 'fierce' Mongolian warriors 'battling it out' to become Mongolia's Next Top Model.

Producers of the show were cautious at first, fearing the contestants might kill each other in their sleep, or worse yet, that the lack of hot women might cause ratings to drop. But they couldn't have been more wrong. According to a source on the show, 'Only a couple of people have been hurt so far and their injuries weren't even that bad. Miss Jay did get a stiletto to the eye after describing Batukhan's walk as "horsey". But he's totally fine now.'

Cycle 4 will see Tyra guest judging alongside the show's host, Chuluun Borjigin, who has tried to emulate her well-known style.

YOU! ARE GIVING ME!
THIS!
WHEN YOU SHOULD!
BE GIVING ME!
THIS!!!

Director of the show, Besud Altantsetseg, had this to say, 'People love America's Next Top Model for the arguments between the contestants. The beauty of Mongolia's Next Top Model is that they always sound like they're arguing. Ghengus asked Dave to pass the salt the other night and the ratings went through the roof!'

The show airs Wednesday at 8pm (UTC+8) on a channel you probably don't have.

Hurricaning Longford

2009-06-26T06:33:00.000-07:00

The CHIPS Gallery could be making a comeback, according to recent reports from Google's Seating Planner Woman and Chief Make-Up Artist on Memoirs of a Geisha, Yerwanwa Moovz-Peapelarround.

From July 3rd 2009, Hazel Hayes will be here *points to spot on map* and Helen Chandler will be here *points to another spot on map near first spot on map*

Ms Hayes had this to say, "Nothing can come between us. Certainly not one partition, a manager and some seats and people and shit. CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPS!"

And now we go to Alan with the weather.

Alan.

Supporting Undergarments

2009-05-12T07:59:00.000-07:00

'It looked like the words were coming out of Helen's lips. But they weren't. But they really looked like they were'
Empire

'She sounded like Penelope Cruz, but I couldn't figure out why'
Total Film

'I did not sign up for this'
Alan Flanagan

EL INVASIÓNE!

This summer...

Prepare to be invaded.

In a bad way.

El Invasione is the stunning new biopic on the life and loves of Helena Chandlerez, during the Android invasion of 1842. Set in a dusty farming village in the south of Spain and filmed on location in the lush valleys of New Zealand director, Hazel Hayes, has taken some big, brassy, ballsy moves with this one. We caught up with Hazel on set while worn-out-child-star-no-more, (spokeswoman for L'Oreal's new worn-out-child-star-be-gone) Helen Chandler, pranced about in the background.

CS: So, Hazel, welcome to the show. Tell us a little more about the film.

Hazel: Well it's a period piece. I've been wanting to do one of those for like forever. And so I did. Me and Helen were just shootin the shit about how weird it would be if the android, of Google Android fame, invaded somewhere. So I tied the two themes together, set it in a rural Spanish town and waddya know? ...movie!

CS: And New Zealand...whoa!

Hazel: I know, right? But it's where all the good films are being made these days; The Lord of The Rings, King Kong, Australia, Gangs of New York, Sleepless in Seattle, Paris Je T'aime. I could go on.

CS: Please don't. Only two of those films were actually shot here.

Hazel: Ok. And if, like me, you're after one of those little gold men, you pretty much have to film in New Zealand.

CS: Little gold men being Oscars of course.

Hazel: No.

CS: And was Helen Chandler always your first choice for the character of Helena Chandlerez? Or was that just a ridiculous coincidence?

Hazel: I'm not sure I follow you.

CS: Well, Helena Chandlerez is pretty much just a Spanish piss-take on Helen Chandler.

Hazel: I hadn't noticed.

CS: Right. So she was your first choice?

Hazel: Of course! I mean, it was practically fate. There she was bitching about her shit-heap of a career (she was turned down for the film version of 'P.S. You're Clamped' you know) and here I was with a maaahvellous film on my hands and simply no stars. None.

CS: Didn't you write and direct 'P.S. You're Clamped'?

Hazel: Yes. But Helen's a simply hideous actress. I couldn't possibly have cast her in that. No. I thought she'd fit much better here, where we can keep her away from real audiences. I mean, who's seriously going to watch a film in English, with Spanish dubbing and English subtitles?

CS: Yes, the overdubbing. Could you explain that for our viewers please?

Hazel: It was filmed in English you see. The actors I wanted were either too lazy, too stupid or too drunk to learn Spanish. So we let them speak their native vile tongue and overdubbed them with Spanish actors. A little like a cartoon. But with real people. So, the voice of Helen is being played by my dear Penelope, who, if I'm being completely honest, I don't understand at the best of times. But God love her she looks fantastic on camera!

CS: But Penelope Cruz isn't on camera.

Hazel: I know that. Don't you think I know that?

CS: Yeah but... Ok... Who else is in it?

Hazel: Well, there's me, of course. Clint said to me, he said, "If you don't star in your own films you may as well not bother making them at all. And for Christ sake, Hazel, if you're going to put yourself on the DVD cover, make sure you have a weapon in your hands." True story. So I'm in it. Played by that other Spanish actress. What's her name?

CS: Selma Hayek?

Hazel: Yeah her. I'm her. Or she's me rather. And another bright young star, playing the villain of the piece, is Alan Flanagan. I couldn't make that name sound Spanish so I didn't give him one, but man is he good. Played by Dame Judy Dench of course. Fabulous Spanish male accent. Simply fabulous.

CS: And I hear you're up for a couple of Academy Awards...while you're still shooting. That's kind of amazing.

Hazel: We are indeed. Twelve of the little tikes! I'm particularly excited about two of them though; Helen's up for Best Supporting Actress in an Overdubbed Spanish Role. And I myself am up for Best Supporting Undergarment in a Foreign Language Film. Helen wanted that one but her ass just wasn't firm enough and her boobs lacked the perkiness that the academy look for in a Best Supporting Undergarment. There are rigorous tests you know!

CS: I'm sure there are.

Hazel: Mmm.

CS: Yes. Well it's been lovely, Hazel. I'm sure you have places to be.

Hazel: Not really. This thing practically films itself.

CS: Ok. Well thanks for speaking with us today.

Hazel: Who are you anyway?

Creating Tension

2009-05-12T07:40:00.000-07:00

They said it couldn't be done.

They laughed at the mere thought of it.

They frowned a little when they heard Helen Chandler would be starring in it but would be overdubbed by Penelope Cruz. Not out of disrespect for either Helen or Penelope, but because it's such a stupid fucking idea.

They laughed some more when they realised it was for real.

They ordered chinese when they got hungry.

Then they called the chinese place back and cancelled the order because Gwen is allergic to nuts and even though nobody likes Gwen, they liked the thought of driving that bitch to the hospital a lot less.

They ordered pizza instead...with extra nuts!

No I'm only kidding.

Or am I?...

EL INVASIONE!

COMING SOON...

Pinging Helen

2009-05-11T01:43:00.000-07:00

A random ping I sent to my very dear friend, Helen.

Good afternoon and welcome to the 2.33 news
I'm Hazel Hayes
And I'm Hazel Hayes
The top stories this afternoon...
Google office is overcome by methane pollution after canteen staff (pictured here) serve chilli to employees

Head Chef, Ron Dicardo, had this to say...
Cut to Ron looking somewhat perturbed yet mildly amused
"I eh, don'ta know. It seem to a be so harmless upon the order of the chilli. I eh ama sorry for the me-thane and have now given all a chilli to local dog shelter"
Cut to local dog shelter
Employees in gas masks
One sitting on the floor in the corner rocking back and forth
Dogs clearly in pain and howling
Enter agents in Hazmat suits
Dogs and staff alike run for the exits
People stampede towards the camera
The camera shakes, blurs, then falls sideways
We're left with the shot of crazy-staff-member-rocking-in-corner, sideways, and the sound of what we can only assume is the cameraman scraping towards the door by his finger nails

A scream in the distance
We lose picture
White noise
And
Cut

...Back in the studio
Hazel looks up from the footage, confused
She looks into the camera, almost says something, then looks past it to the production crew, who obviously aren't helping her out here

(Yes, it's Blonde Hazel. Please look past that)

"Iiiiin, other news..."
"I"
"Em"
"Sorry"
She shuffles her papers, tries to gather herself
She looks off camera once again, desperate for some kind of guidance
Then...a dog barks in the distance
Another
The sound of screaming from outside the studio
Inside, there's a murmuring off camera
It becomes louder
The barking sounds closer now
More screams
Hazel stands up, her expression now set, resolute
"It's begun"

Faking Quotes

2009-01-28T09:27:00.000-08:00

This week only, save €2 on all up and coming authors and €1 on any book by critically acclaimed, stunningly beautiful, Nobel prize winning writer, Hazel Hayes.

Recommended:

'Chewing Sand' by Hazel Hayes
Autobiography
Accompany Hazel in her eternal struggle to remove sand from her molars, while living life and stuff. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch yourself, you know...there, a lot. You'll shower over and over again but you'll soon realise that sand, like life, doesn't go away. It just sort of moves around a bit and gets stuck to things.

'Epic'
The Times

'Chewy'
Daily Mail

'Kinda shit to be honest. I didn't get it'
Some guy

Also by this author:

'Sometimes It's Warm'
Fiction
Well, sometimes it is. As you will discover as you wade through this wondrous work of wonder, in wellies. This book tells it like it is, while occasionally telling it like it's not and sometimes how it never even was, but some people thought it might be. But it wasn't.

'Warm, but not all the time'
FHM

'P.S. You're Clamped!'
Fiction
The shockingly unexpected sequel to Sometimes It's Warm, comes at you like a horse out of a field that was really shit, to get to another field that he heard was good, but places are kind of limited and his friend who works on the gate said he might not be able to get him in because he let it another mate in last week who he doesn't really like but who said that if he was let in he'd sort him out with a nice young philly from 3 fields over. And this time, it's personal.

'What?'
Vogue

'I Thought There'd be Vegetables'
Fiction
This is a harrowing tale of one woman's struggle to find the vegetables, which she thought would be there. Romance, denial, action, denial, grief, acceptance, disappointment, more denial and extreme hunger are only some of the emotions/words I can think of right now. Maybe you'll be able to think of a few more after reading this harrowing tale of one woman's struggle to find the vegetables, which she thought would be there. With the surprise return of The Turnip Lady, this presequel will have you falling off of things that you should really have no problem staying on top of.

'Vot iss thees?'
Angry Chef

Order now and get a free copy of any of the following titles, for free.

'Wasting Magic' by Alan Peter Flanagan
Autobiography
Watch how a seemingly ordinary, mop-haired boy makes all of his magic vanish! By wasting it. Given the magic as a gift on his sixteenth birthday, by some magical creature that I'm too lazy to make up properly, Alan sets about wasting his magic in every way possible. He removes all Harry Kim episodes from existence, brings back his goldfish during a weird, robe-wearing ceremony, makes it so that Joss Whedon's work becomes his own, and essentially does a bunch of stuff that anyone would do in his place. But we're supposed to condemn him for doing it now that we're not in his place. Anyway, the magic's all wasted...or is it?

'Yes, it is. Fuck off.'
Hazel Hayes

'Vomiting Watermelons' by Gary no-soul Boylan
Autobiography
Figure it out for yourself

'Fairly self explanatory'
Alan Flanagan

'I Came in Flats' by Sinéad Fortune
Fiction
Marvel at her ability to make inanimate objects appear intriguing...and terrifying! Gawp as a pair of high heels come to life and cause nothing but death! Cringe as the cliches climb over one another, each one clambering for purchase over the last. Wet yourself a little as you're dragged kicking and screaming through a day of high heel hell. You'll never wear shoes again! Fortune has a way of scaring the shit out of you. Not fortune, like, Fortune. With a capital f...F? I dunno.

'Scary'
Gary Boylan

'Agh!...Oh I didn't see you there'
Helen Chandler

'Desperately Scribbling Biros' by Helen Chandler
Autobiography
Oh God. What can I say? I've written a lot of shitty book reviews in my time, but never have I seen anyone scribble a biro so desperately in all my life. In twenty four years! She scribbles and scrapes and tears page after page of a free notebook she got. Each one, tearing a little piece of her heart...out! No, it's not a horror. That made it sound like it was. She's sad like. All the scribbling has made her sad, 'cause she can't say what she wants 'cause her pen is broke. And so her heart is like, metaphorically torn.

'Worst book review ever'
Sinéad Fortune

Coming soon...
'Why so Many Cups' by Gary Boylan
'Princess Sinéad and the Gimpy Cat' and 'Losing Campaigns' by Sinéad Fortune
'You Can't Freeze Potatoes' by Helen Hayes
'Unwormed Gimpy Kittens' by Rachael Heeney
'There's Always a Bigger TV; and other philosophies' by Hazel Hayes

Crushing Dogs

2009-01-28T03:22:00.000-08:00

Just a few reasons to change the channel...

"Chips! Glorious chips. Glorious chi- "

(Cue giant Disprin box)

British Singing Ads

Ah the British Singing Ad. A time honoured British tradition. One can sit and enjoy tea and crumpets through a stiff upper lip. Perhaps even invite the local vicar and some football hooligans around. Then sit and marvel as large groups of random-Joe-Britainers sing together on streets, in offices and on mountainsides. The CEO of Halifax ought to be shot for encouraging this ridiculousness. Hundreds of people all standing around, smiling like bloody idiots about Chips or Insurance or some other non-song-worthy topic. Pack of West End wannabes who didn't make the cut and decided to take it out on us.

I’d also like to include the awful magazine that went so far as to have a woman in labour sing the oohs and aahs of ‘Build me up Butter Cup’. Wrong. For so many reasons.

The worst bit about this one is how pleased he

looks with himself. And look at her face! Oh

God it's perfect. "I waited two hours for this bowl

of shite then is it? Fan-fucking-tastic!"

“Fast Food” Ads

You may have noticed the inverted commas around the words fast and food. This is my way of indicating that the food is not fast at all.

It is, in fact, slow. It’s slow food, but it’s in shiny packets that make it look fast. The makers of these ads like to pretend that food is fast. Tricksy little hobbitses. For instance, Uncle Ben’s absolutely awful fake rice might be ready in two minutes, but…wait a second…are those vegetables I see amidst the rice? Oh, and I suppose that chicken was cooked in two minutes as well, was it? Can anyone say salmonella?

My personal favourite though, is the guy who cooks a whole bowl of soup in the time it takes his wife to wait for a train, travel on said train, presumably get from the train station to their house, and definitely have a bubble bath. So, that’s roughly two hours, give or take. My, that’s some fast soup you have there. Whoa...better watch out or it’ll getcha!

Ok...This guy isn't bacteria. But I bet the last thing this woman wanted was for a little demon-like thing to dance all over her mouth ulcer. Maybe even more worrying than that, he then proceeds to settle down and get all cosy. On her mouth ulcer!

Bacteria Ads

Bacteria should never be highlighted and shown passing from person to person. Especially not from mother to child. It’s wrong, it’s usually pink, and it scares the shit out of me. If you’re stupid enough to tough mingin shit and then go feeling up your family and friends then you deserve to die, or at least get a really bad dose of the shits. And they deserve it too for keeping such a filth-ridden scruff bag around.

I also don’t want to see bacteria personified or animated. Toilet monsters, toenail creatures and that thing in the Bonjela ad in particular should be banned from the airways. Big, durty, gloupy lookin fellas hanging out of toilet bowls like drunken louts. Or little angry bacteria with like spears and stuff. I don’t get it. And why do they always have to be evil? Danone Actimel teaches us that bacteria are friendly, happy creatures. I’m so fucking confused!

Lady, leave your kid alone. He's clearly trying to have a crap.

And why the hell have you taught him that shit isn't supposed

to smell? He's broken now. Broken!

Smelly Ads

I’ll keep this brief. Ads for air fresheners are awful. They’re all bad. No exceptions. There’s a new one out that changes its smell every 40 minutes. It sounds like some kind of torture technique to me. But in the ad there’s a whole family sitting around, sniffing the air. Jesus Christ, buy a TV. And the one where they drop a ton of apples on top of a dog basket? I see what they were trying to get at, but the editing is so bad that we never find out if the dog made it out on time. That poor dog. I still wonder to this day if he’s out there somewhere, mildly brain damaged, walking in an endless circle.

Steve just couldn't understand why his back pain was also in his hands...

Diseased Dummy Ads

Stop using ‘crash test dummy’ look-alikes to indicate where headaches and period pains are. I get it ok. Headaches are in my head. Period pains are generally in my abdomen somewhere. People who don’t know these simple facts probably don’t have the wherewithal to go to a shop and buy your product, so just leave it out. My god, that ad with the invisible man talking to his invisible wife about how hard it’ll be to do his presentation with a blocked nose. Eh, not really your primary concern right now pal.

Oh and the Disprin box that keeps crushing people. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that that’s the last thing you need when you have a headache; giant boxes crushing shit. Actually, that bloody box crushed a dog once too. That seems to be the answer to all of life’s problems. If your dog is barking or smells bad, just crush it. Drop something on its head from a height and everything will be fine. I’d love to see the ad where a screaming child gives its parents a headache.